


Embarrassed

by INMH



Series: Merry Month of Masturbation Fills (2016) [25]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner is so done with this shit, Crack, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Masturbation, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Mild Sexual Content, Other, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6972583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INMH/pseuds/INMH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So let me see if I understand this correctly: The space-raccoon and the talking tree were playing hot-potato with a glass container carrying a potentially deadly substance. It broke, and now Thor and the blue alien guy can’t stop masturbating.” Bruce needed to start getting paid for this shit. </p><p>Companion to “Awkward”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Embarrassed

“ _Bru-uce, could you come up to the lab, please?_ ”  
  
Bruce felt his face settle into a familiar expression: The one he had looked into the mirror and seen on several occasions, and dubbed his ‘What have you assholes done this time’ face.  
  
Tony’s voice had a sing-song, I’m-somehow-under-the-impression-that-talking-this-way-will-make-you-less-angry-than-you-will-be quality to it. The kind that had preceded far too many bad conversations. Conversations that, once or twice, had brought him right to the edge of Hulking-out.  
  
Of course it would be today. Today had been going so well.  
  
He pressed the button on the intercom with a little more force than was strictly necessary. “Why?”  
  
“ _We may have a… Small emergency on our hands. You don’t need to run, just… Don’t take **too** long._”  
  
Bruce groaned and released the button.  
  
In the elevator, he began to contemplate his life and the decisions he had made. In particular, he began to wonder about the decision to become an Avenger, and specifically to relocate to a tower where he was surrounded by people who had a habit of testing his patience in the weirdest ways.  
  
Somewhere between floors seven and ten, he determined that that particular train of thought was too stressful, and by the time he reached the lab, he had schooled himself into the calmest demeanor he could possibly manage.  
  
Out on the deck, he heard voices yelling:  
  
“-we gonna explain this to Gamora when she gets back? What the hell were you _thinking_ , you giant ball of roots _?!_ ”  
  
“I am _Groot._ ”  
  
“Oh, _that’s_ your excuse? I got thrown off a building last week and I didn’t have a problem moving my ass five feet to pick shit up!”  
  
Rocket and Groot. That meant the ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ were here, and that meant that whatever had gone down was probably weird alien science shit that was too far above Bruce’s pay-grade to be his problem.  
  
Well, it would be if he got paid.  
  
Bruce needed to start getting paid for this shit.  
  
Tony and Peter Quill (Bruce was _not_ going to call the guy _Star Lord_ ) came out of the lab. Tony had a winning- that is to say, bullshit- smile on his face, and Quill just looked jittery… and maybe a little green?  
  
“Alright, what’s going on?”  
  
Tony clapped his hands. “Okay, short of it is, Rabies and Redwood out there were bringing by some chemical samples that Gamora collected on Nova. I guess Redwood decided to throw one of the samples to Rabies, the container broke, and Drax and Thor got exposed to it.”  
  
“How long have they been affected?”  
  
“Oh, about… An hour?”  
  
Bruce gave Tony a look of wide-eyed disbelief. “They were exposed to an unknown substance an _hour_ ago and you’re just now calling me?”  
  
Tony drummed his fingers against the desk and exchanged a rather troubling look with Quill. “There, uh, is a reason for that.”  
  
Bruce glanced between them, eyes lingering on Quill; Quill didn’t know Bruce that well yet, and was still decently intimidated by the concept of the mild-mannered Banner’s ability to change into a raging green monster when he got angry. “And what reason would that be?”  
  
It worked. Quill laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. “Well, you see, there’s a pretty… _Noticeable_ side-effect of the substance.”  
  
“Really noticeable.”  
  
“Pretty immediately noticeable.”  
  
“What sort of side-effect?”  
  
Dead silence.  
  
Well, dead-silence apart from Rocket swearing out on the deck.  
  
Bruce waited a total of thirty seconds precisely (he counted every blessed one of them in his head) and then said, “Guys. What kind of side-effects am I looking at here?”  
  
Quill bit his lip. “Do you want to go lo-”  
  
“ _No_ ,” Tony cut in, shooting a glare at Quill. “No, don’t go look, I don’t want to do that to you without a warning.”  
  
“A warning.”  
  
“Yes, a warning. Because apparently whatever that substance was, it… Uh… It’s kind of like a… Sex-pollen thing.”  
  
Bruce was silent and expressionless.  
  
“See, they got exposed, and then they pretty quickly started to get all hot and bothered, and then they actually got to a point where they physically couldn’t stop themselves from…”  
  
“Having sex?” Bruce deadpanned.  
  
“ _No,_ no, _no_ , no, no-” Tony made a face and did a full-body shudder. “No. They haven’t gotten that desperate yet.”  
  
“We hope.” Quill looked greener than before. At this rate, people would be mistaking him for the Hulk.  
  
“No, they’re- _spanking their naughty hot-dogs_ , if you know what I mean.”  
  
Bruce shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I- Jesus, I do, but I wish I didn’t.”  
  
“A+ euphemism, man.”  
  
“Thank you, I spent a lot of time on it.”  
  
“So let me see if I understand this correctly,” Bruce sighed, “The space-raccoon and the talking tree were playing hot-potato with a glass container carrying a potentially deadly substance. It broke, and now Thor and the blue alien guy can’t stop masturbating.”  
  
“I personally clocked him as being a shade of orchid, but yes.”  
  
“The Lord is fucking testing me, Tony, and right now you are too. The difference is that I can punch _you_ out if you push me.”  
  
“Geez, dude,” Quill said, holding up both hands defensively. “I get it’s weird, but it’s not like this kind of thing happens every day, right?”  
  
And then Bruce did something far scarier than Hulking-out; he tipped his head back and started laughing. Hysterically.  
  
Tony swallowed. “Bad question.”  
  
Quill’s eyes were wide. “Right. My bad. Won’t make that mistake again.”  
  
When Bruce managed to come down from his rather frightening laughing jag, he asked, “So, what the hell do you want me to do? Turn into the Hulk and show them both a good time?”  
  
Tony coughed sharply, apparently so alarmed by the concept that he had forgotten how to breathe. “I was _actually_ thinking about science mumbo-jumbo, if you could.”  
  
“Can’t you just give them some dirty magazines and let them spank their damn hot-dogs until it wears off?” Bruce wasn’t terribly eager to see Thor or Drax in the middle of anything even remotely sexual.  
  
“Thaaat’s kind of the problem,” Quill trilled, wringing his hands. “We don’t know if it _will_ wear off on its own.”  
  
“Make them take a cold shower, then. Wash it off.”  
  
“Tried it.”  
  
Bruce covered his eyes. “I hate every single one of you.” He started towards the medical bay, suddenly understanding why the walls had been rendered opaque.  
  
“Uh, just so you know, dude, Drax’s culture has this thing about sexual encounters, so whatever you do, don’t look him in the eye!”  
  
“ _Fuck you, Quill!_ ”  
  
-End


End file.
